BY KATE FAVARO
Hospice of St. Lawrence Valley

Being fired. Getting a divorce. Developing a life-altering illness. Moving. Not being accepted to a college. Going deaf. What do each of these have in common? They are all losses which will result in the experience of grief.

We are living in a world where we are surrounded by change, which frequently results in some type of loss, but too often we forget that with loss comes grief. As you witness community tragedy and unrest locally, nationally, and internationally, and as you adjust to new ways of life created due to the pandemic, you must allow yourself the chance to grieve what has been lost. Things such as safety, physical health, sense of security, jobs, financial security, graduation ceremonies, and vacations are losses many have suffered in recent years. With these losses you may find yourself experiencing disenfranchised grief.

Unlike “traditional grief”, disenfranchised grief goes largely unrecognized by society. Many people look at someone who lost a job and think they should not be upset over it since, surely, they can get another one. At times, people observe someone grieving over the loss of a friend due to a difference of opinions and think it should not be impacting them to this degree. They were “just” a friend. There are yet others who do not understand tears shed over a beloved pet crossing the Rainbow Bridge. Being surrounded by these perspectives cannot only make us feel alone but can cause us to disenfranchise our own grief. We begin telling ourselves we do not deserve to be as upset because of the type of relationship we had with the deceased, because it was not a loss cause by death or because it’s an intangible loss. How do you move through this disenfranchised grief?

Hospice of St. Lawrence Valley offers the following for your consideration:

• Talk about it. An adaptation of a Swedish proverb posits “Joy shared is joy doubled. Grief shared is grief halved.” If you find yourself looking at grocery store shelves bare of essentials with anxiety and disbelief you may be grieving the loss of your sense of security. You are not the only one looking at those shelves with unease; sharing your experience can build connection and validate you in your (very real) grief.

• Tears. As with any loss tears are a perfectly acceptable response (although not crying is also ok!) even if you’re not learning of a loved one’s death or attending a funeral. Take being fired for example. This is a scary event that creates losses including that of financial security, your self-esteem, and maybe even your purpose.

• Create a ritual. Find ways to connect with what you’ve lost. Parents facing empty-nest syndrome may connect with their children by planning a call the same time every few weeks or setting their lock screen to a picture of their child. While grieving the loss of a friend (from death or otherwise) remember them by eating their favorite meal on their birthday.

Collectively humanity has experienced more loss in the past few years than anyone could have anticipated. These losses due to the pandemic, civil unrest, and terrorism may have impacted the way we will live the rest of our lives. The grief associated with these losses is valid, real and deserves to be felt fully. If you find yourself experiencing disenfranchised grief, know that Hospice of St. Lawrence Valley offers a Community Bereavement program open to anyone grieving any type of loss. This program is designed to educate and empower you to grieve in a way that feels natural and constructive. For more information, please contact the Hospice of St. Lawrence Valley office at 315-265-3105 and ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator.

Kate Favaro, CRPA, is Bereavement Coordinator & Volunteer Manager at Hospice of St. Lawrence Valley