​​I recently quit smoking, or at least I’m pretty sure I have.

I have to say that has not been my experience at all.

Maybe it will change, but the journey has been terrible.

I’ve known a lot of people who’ve successfully beat addictions more noteworthy than my own. You have my praise, it’s not easy.

You often hear people talk about irritability and agitation that occurs when you drop the habit. That’s real. In the first couple weeks, I found myself basically shutting down completely to avoid losing my temper.

Although that’s dwindled, it hasn’t disappeared and I still find myself being short with people. To those who’ve dealt with this I apologize.

What you don’t hear, and maybe I’m an outlier in this regard, is the other ways quitting impacts your life.

I’ve been hit with depression and anxiety. I do feel like things are moving in the right direction, but it’s there – nagging, lingering, making me want to shut down and hole up.

Perhaps the worst issue is the impact it’s had on my ability to work. I’ve never heard people who quit talk about the brain fog, forgetfulness or stifled creativity and motivation.

I’ve never had a harder time organizing my thoughts. I’ve failed to get back to people for stories. I’ve spun my wheels trying to write, which is a pretty big deal given my job.

I feel less sharp and less on top of things and less interested in things. I do recognize these issues as symptoms of depression and anxiety, but the inability to focus and complete tasks is rough.

Cigarettes were a reward for achieving a small goal, like writing a story. I’ve also always made very good use of my time while smoking. I often write stories in my head while I’m outside taking a drag. It’s a time when I focus on my goals and problems and come up with solutions.

It’s always been a carved-out time for self-improvement and celebration of small accomplishments. I’m struggling to figure out how to replace this ritual, because it was truly helpful.

Typically I’m not a creature of habit, I don’t have a morning routine, I don’t go to bed at a set time, I don’t eat at a set time, I don’t shower at a set time. If my life were a soundtrack it’d be really obscure jazz.

Now that I’ve ditched the one thing I did habitually, I’ve lost my drumbeat. It’s really been a struggle.

Still, I’m happy to report that there are some positives. When I’m home and I get the itch, I’ve been practicing guitar, messing around with a keyboard and half-heartedly attempting to keep a beat on the drums. I’ve also recently started taking Combat Hapkido classes and tried to do a bit of exercise to get rid of that extra edge.

I don’t smell like cigarettes anymore. I’m sure my co-workers and family members appreciate that and I’m lowering my risk of dying from a host of diseases.

I don’t plan on giving up, as I told my father I’d quit if he did and that’s something I want him to succeed at.

Addiction is awful. I think to truly conquer it you have to relearn how to live.

I know it’s a process. I’ve tried and failed a few times over the years myself.

This time, I’m pretty sure I’ve got the habit beat, but I’m still struggling to figure out how to “life” without my old friend tobacco

I’m sharing this journey, partly because it’s hard to think and therefore write about anything else, but also because I know some of my readers out there are struggling with addiction, some much harder than my own.

For me, hearing about other people’s struggles helps validate my own. There seems to be a comfort in shared suffering. They tell you that you won’t beat an addiction unless you want to. I guess that’s true. But when you drill that down further, it doesn’t have to be for your own personal benefit.

For me, the biggest motivation comes from the pact I made with my father, who I want to stay around for as long as he can, and to my family who will probably still need me in the decades to come.

So remember, if you’re out there struggling with addiction find your motivation and push on though. I’m rooting for you.

Jimmy Lawton is news editor of North Country This Week and NorthCountryNow.com.